Guacamole

Yet another delightful product from the testicle tree. All the ingredient amounts are approximate.

1 small clove of garlic, peeled, but whole
2 ripe avocados
1/2 tsp salt
1-2 tbsp lemon juice*
1/4 cup minced white or yellow onion (or one of the small 'soup' onions)
1/4 tsp chili powder
half a dozen or so splorks of your favorite hot sauce.

1) Rub the inside of a medium-sized ceramic or glass bowl with the garlic clove, coating the entire surface with garlic juice; discard the remainer of the clove. Don't use metal or plastic bowls, as the metal bowl will react with the garlic juice and give a metallic taste to the dip, and the plastic bowl will absorb the garlic flavor and will be useless for any non-garlic foodstuffs for the rest of eternity.

2) Scoop out the insides of the two avocados and add them to the bowl. Refer to my previous avocado post for tips on how to quickly and easily remove the stone, and what the hell the first sentence of this post refers to.

3) Add the salt and lemon juice, and mash the fruit until it starts to liquefy.

4) Add the onion, chili powder and hot sauce, and blend it in.

5) Add more hot sauce if you think it needs it.

Serve as close to immediately as possible. The avocado oxidizes fairly quickly, and turns a rather unappedtizing shade of brown.

If you want to prepare this meal ahead of time, I suggest covering the entire surface of the guacamole with a thin layer of sour cream, then stretch plastic wrap over the top of the bowl and refrigerate. The sour cream will inhibit the oxidation process. Then, when you go to serve it, swirl the sour cream slightly into the guac, making a lovely white-and-green pattern. If you're feeling especialy marthastewardy, sprinkle a few pieces of diced tomato on top.

yeharr

*I know many people who are lemon snobs; who only use real lemons and real lemon juice in their recipes. The amount listed above is approximately the same amount of juice as you would get out of half a small lemon. I don't always have another dish ready that would require the juice of half a small lemon, and the half of a lemon will sit in the refrigerator until I do my semi-annual refrigerator rescue., at which time it gets tossed into the trash with a silent self-curse for being so wasteful. So I rarely buy lemons, and instead use the reconstituted lemon juice in the plastic lemon-shaped squeeze bottles, and it still tastes great.

"Well," the snobs sneer snippishly, "if I was to make the same dish, but with real lemon juice, you'd notice the difference right away."

"Well," I reply, "if you were to make the same dish, I probably wouldn't have bothered to make this one."

Simple Tex-Mex dip

This is my daughter's favorite appetizer


1) Take one 8 oz. slab of cream cheese and put it on the counter
2) Go watch 'Scrubs'
3) At the first commercial break, turn your oven on to 350
4) At the second commercial break, spread cream cheese over bottom of 11x7 pan (28x17 for you Canucks)
5) At the end break, open up a can of Hormel Chili (no beans) and pour it over the cream cheese
6) Scrubs never does a tag, so you'll also have time to pour half a bag or so of shredded taco cheese over it, and slide it in the oven.
7) Go watch '30 Rock'
8) At the first commercial break, take it out of the oven, and carry it into the living room with a bunch of paper napkins under one arm, and a bag of tortilla chips held in your teeth
9) dump all the stuff onto the coffee table
10) eat until bedtime
(optional: at second commercial break, tell one of your kids to get you a drink)

This might also work with other programs, such as 'Lost,' 'American Idol,' or '24,' but remember: break times vary.

yeharr

Avocado is Better than None

Snce Barman broke the high-calorie taboo here, I'm going to share one of my favorite ways to eat an avocado.

Make sure you choose ripe but not overripe avocados. They should feel like a well-filled beanbag when lightly squeezed.

The following recipe serves two, and it's easily doubled and tripled.

1) Slice the avocado in half lengthwise, as in the picture above. Use your big chopping knife (you'll see why in step two).
2) Remove the stone. My preferred way to do this quickly and easily is by firmly sinking the blade of the chopping knife into the stone, just deep enough that it will come out when you twist the knife. I've found using the part of the blade closest to the handle works best.
3) mix together 3 tablespoons of plain nonfat yogurt and 1 tablespoon of dijon mustard, and fill the hole left by the stone with the mixture (half of the mixture goes into each half of the avocado).

That's it. Give each person half an avocado and a spoon. The shell makes a natural bowl. If you're feeling hoity-toity, sprinkle a little parsely on top.

Serve immediately, or as close to it as possible. Avocados turn brown relatively quickly. If you need to prepare this ahead of time, make enough of the mixture as you'll need and refrigerate it, then add it right after you slice the avocado

195 calories per serving/31 grams of fat.
If you use regular mayo instead of nonfat yogurt, add 300 calories and 90 grams of fat to the mixture.


Avocado Fun Fact: The name 'avocado' comes from the Aztec 'ahuacuatl,' which means 'testicle tree.' remember that the next time you squeeze one. In fact, I guarantee you'll never forget it.

yeharr

Lowfat Ranch Vegetable Dip

This is a concoction I came up with a number of years ago. I needed to make veggie dip, and when I got out the package of ranch dip mix, I realized that I didn't have any sour cream on hand. So I decided to substitute.

Sometimes substitutes are better. This is not only healthier, it is also tastier. I never went back to sour cream!

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Lowfat Ranch Veggie Dip

Put 1 C lowfat or fat free cottage cheese into blender. Blend until smooth, adding just enough skim milk to be able to blend it.

Once it is smooth, add 1/2 pkg ranch dip mix, and blend until thoroughly mixed. Refrigerate. Dip will thicken slighly after blending.

Salsa, Anyone?

With my remaining crop of Roma tomatoes, I always make salsa. It's great fresh, and pretty good canned too. I always have plenty, so if you're hungry, come on over. But bring some tortilla chips... I'm out!

Or in case you want to make your own, here's my recipe.

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Fresh Tomato Salsa

1 1/2 to 2 gallons of Roma Tomatoes
1 bunch fresh cilantro
1 large white or red onion
1 med bell pepper
3-6 jalepeño peppers
1-2 tsp salt
1-2 tsp garlic powder
4-6 Tbls lime juice

Dice Roma tomatoes into large bowl. Drain off a portion of the extra liquid if desired.

Remove stems from cilantro up to where the leaves begin (about halfway up the stalks) and discard. Wash and drain remaining portion of the cilantro, and chop into small pieces.

Peel and finely chop onion.

Remove seeds from bell pepper, and finely chop.

Cut top off of jalepeño peppers just below stem. VERY finely chop or blend. Be careful not to touch the cut edges with your bare hands, as the juices can burn. If you don't have a chopper, you can blend several roma tomatoes in your blender and then add the peppers. (Start with 3 or 4 peppers and add more as needed.)

Mix above ingredients together. Add salt, garlic powder, and lime juice.

Add additional jalepeño peppers or seasonings if needed.

As is usual in the recipes I develop, measurements aren't precise. You can play with it until you get it the way YOU like, just like I did.